Saving You
by sugarfizz
Summary: First Jem, now Tessa. How can Will cope with the loss of both halves of his heart? On a midnight escape to the usual graveyard, the frustrated Will Herondale has had enough. Who can save him?


Will Herondale hadn't left a note. How many times had he done this before? How many times had he taken off into the night, with no other purpose or intention at all that to forget the day's troubles? Out here in the misty dark, he could not see where he was going. He could not see his countless mistakes, his perfected flaws. In the gentle caress of this night, Will felt safe enough to let himself be guided to whenever memories found themselves lost.

_But you will never forget, stupid boy. She is gone and it is your fault. She is gone, gone, gone…_

Yes, Will had done many things in his short and reckless life. But he had not left them a note.

At first he thought, and only partially hoped, that the wind would blow him to the nearest tavern. Maybe Temple Bar, the shabby corner bar where he and Jem had had their first drinks, cheering at what men they had become. Just like that, the once fond memory had been poisoned uncontrollably at the harsh reminder that he and Jem would never become the men they dreamed of being together. They would never be the best Shadowhunters, saving the ignorant Council from all they failed to see, marrying beautiful women and having sons just like themselves…  
At the shattered hope of marrying a certain beautiful woman, poison seemed to overlap poison, and Will staggered off the street before collapsing into the muddy ground and freeing a cry of frustration.  
He should've protected her better. She shouldn't have needed to save herself and all the others from those damned automatons. When he had finally found her, after days of agony and searching, he still found it almost impossible to believe that they had touched the way they did, kissed the way they did, felt the way they did, and breathed the way they did. Every breath taken together, as he had dreamed of from the moment they collided outside the house. But now if Tessa could no longer breathe, why should he? Why did she leave him with this life, while stealing the one thing he needed to live? What choice did that leave him?  
Will knew deep in his heart that there was no stopping what had happened. No one could have possibly predicted that Tessa would willfully transform into an angel, and no one could have known that the transformation would be fatal. The moment at first was beautiful. Will knew that his Tessa would never go down without a fight, and even in the most crucial of times, her bravery could not be ignored. She was on fire, a flame with wings rising protectively over the battle, shielding herself and all those she loved. They had all watched in awe as she silenced Mormain and halted the automatons in their pursuit of destruction. But as she fell to the ground, burning and screaming in a pain that tore at Will's heart, all her could do was watch in hopelessness and fear. Jem, the boy who in one life would have surely been fighting to stay with his love until the end, had simply turned his back on all of them and left.  
But as Will now sat in the muddy patch of what he took in to be Old Meg's scarcely visited graveyard, he did not have the heart to be angry. All he felt was the pain of losing both halves of his heart forever. He knew he would always remember the snapping of his last cord as he sat at Tess's bedside and watched a final tear of suffering slide down her pale cheek. His Tess, who just the night before had been so alive and warm and safe in his arms, was now lost in the life beyond, without him.  
He had kissed her lightly on the forehead, hoping she would open her eyes and it would all have been a lie. But hope meant nothing if it couldn't undo the past.

"Dw I'n dy garu di am byth. I love you, always." And with one final kiss on those pale, lifeless lips, Will turned and ran.

He was alone now. Truly alone. For years, Will had always considered himself alone, but he now understood that you never really know how much you have until it is gone. He had a love so strong that it burned through his armor and spread like wildfire, testing how dangerous it could be. Love was so unpredictable, so risky, and now it would be the death of him, he was sure.  
With all this dwelling over all his pain, Will found himself drifting into sleep. Not the sleep he had come here for, but sleep nonetheless. At first his nightmares haunted him with the images of a dying Tessa that his devilish mind had conjured up on its own. He willed them to go away, and like the calm after a storm, he suddenly felt an eerie, yet pleasant feeling approaching. How was it possible to feel a feeling you have never felt before? Being too distraught to sink in this mystery's depths, he looked ahead.  
In his dream, she was as beautiful as ever. There she stood, in a thin white gown, with her brown hair hung loose over her shoulders and framing her familiar face which seemed to flow in the moonlight. It was the same Tessa, but with one extraordinary detail. Larger, white wings had been stretched out from her spine, blocking the darkness behind with her radiance she seemed fully aware of. She was an angel, so brilliant and powerful. But Will only sought those gray eyes he thought he would never see again, looking at him with a smile that seemed to say, "_I am here."_

"Tess," Will found himself barely sighing into the breeze where she stood. "Tess, come back. Please."

_ "My Will," _Her voice alone would drive him even madder, he thought. He hung to the silence between their every word, entranced and patient. _"I have been with you from the moment you said goodbye. I have been in your heart, your mind, and your soul, and I know your intentions. Now please listen-"  
_  
"- To you plead for me to change my mind?" he cried. "And wake up to see you're gone again? It is torture without you in my arms, Tess. Unfair, unjust, torture."

There was a look of sadness in her eyes. She knew her boy would be stubborn in his thoughts and heedless actions, and she chose to speak gently. _"Not everything in life is fair, Will. This is just as painful for me as it for you. I dreamed of a life with you…"  
_  
"Then let me join you, Tess. We don't have to be apart if I join you in the life beyond life right now!" It was clearly the perfect solution, and he refused to doubt himself again. Doubting got a man nowhere.

The angel gave a little smile that Will could not understand. Was she pleased with his proposal?  
_  
"If we switched positions right now, would you allow me to end my life just so you can have me?"  
_  
They both knew he would never do such a thing. But he was too stubborn, too selfish, to care. He tried to keep his voice steady.

"Tessa, understand that I cannot live without you. I simply can't. Only you knew my faults, my fears, and my moods, and only you could bring out the better side of me. Only you could make me so effortlessly happy. I said goodbye to Jem, but I will not say goodbye to you, Tess."

Tessa drew an icy breath at the mention of Jem, and Will cursed himself for being so selfish as always. Of course she still loved Jem, probably more than she would ever love him. He was not jealous or regretful, only desperate for the girl he loved. All his life, he had been afraid. But with Tessa beside him, the path had always been clear.  
_  
"Will, understand that I have lost too." _she paused and hid her face. _"When I lost Jem, I refused to believe it. I wanted to be with him, just as you want to be with me. But I found love in someone else…" _she looked up into his deep blue eyes and smiled. _"I found love in you, and I will never let it go, Will. But now you must let me go, and look for happiness elsewhere. I promise you happiness can be found anywhere in anyone if you choose so, my love… I only hope you can spare a part of your gracious heart or me." _

The path began to blur as tears formed in his weary eyes. She spoke of death like the ghost she was, unable to be alive with him. To be alive meant letting go, and Will accepted that this was goodbye. He needed not to say it, for his look of sadness moved Tessa to the truth also.

She saw his eyes move to her neck. "You still wear the angle, even though you are one."  
_  
"I have no need for it now…" _she held the necklace that ticked no more. It seemed that everything familiar had ended, and all the strings hung loose and frail on ever one of them who had loved and lost. It was all she could do to tie the ends of her Will before his string snapped on some other dangerous, unpredictable night, and his familiar warmed would be lost also. She moved towards him and wiped his tears with her wintery hand, feeling him shiver as she did so. _Another change… _she thought. She brought her lips to his, feeling the fire against the ice and the spark that would never change as long as they would live and die. She felt his desire for more than she could give, and pulled away from his touch. His eyes seemed to say, _"Don't leave me," _and Tessa knew she would not, could not.

_"My angel saved me, Will." _she clutched the necklace in her palms. _"And now I will save you."_

* * *

Will awoke with his heart pulsing and his mind calm. _Tessa. _He had seen Tessa, whom he never thought he would see again. He touched his lips and felt her there once more, telling him she would always be there. He looked at his surroundings, waiting for her to appear again and knowing she would not. In the corner of his eye, he caught a flash of golden light gleaming on the dark ground beside him, inviting him towards it. Will stood and held his breath. When he reached the shining object, he stopped in his tracks, fearing it was just an illusion. He cradled the clockwork angel in his hand before clasping it around his neck, listening closely to the faint ticking on his heart, where he would hold his angel forever.


End file.
